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| Life Lesson No. 9715: Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Scientists say that the universe is expanding at an ever-accelerating pace. Is that why my jeans no longer fit?
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Why are there so many more horse's rear ends in the world than there are horses?
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My father taught me about time travel. He'd say, "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
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The Most common element in the universe is stupidity.
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Yeah, Americans are rude. You got a problem with that?
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You know you are a popular person when they recognize your voice on the Burger King speaker.
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April 15 reminder: When you put 'the' and 'IRS' together you get 'theirs'.
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I just heard that in response to the recent study saying that it was OK to marry your first cousin, the entire state of West Virginia breathed a sigh of relief and declared a state holiday.
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The guy dressing next to me in the gym today said he came in second in the annual Bubba Easter Beer Hunt.
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I just realized that I'm surrounded by young smart-alecks and old bores, so I guess that makes me middle-aged.
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You Need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
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My 5-year-old daughter sitting in the back seat asked me if that policeman gave me a lottery ticket.
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The older I get, the farther I had to walk to school.
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It's a sad day when you realize you've lived too long for anyone to ever say that you died young.
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Life Lesson No 9728: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
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Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
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Has anyone ever calculated the speed of dark?
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A Chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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Seniors: Just say no to prescription drugs.
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I ran into an old friend the other day and he had aged so much that he didn't even recognize me.
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Is a will a dead giveaway?
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With Wall Street where it is, I think we all should sharpen our skills at dumpster diving.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took 2 people to carry $100 worth of groceries. Today my 5 year old granddaughter can do it.
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Travel is very educational. I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven different languages.
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I've kept the same wife all these years because I don't want to have to break in a new mother-in-law.
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My car just rolled over 100,000 miles, my wife turned 40 and I don't have a job. My life is a country song.
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My 67 year old husband said he is too young to have alzheimer's. He said he has "Halfheimer's."
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If you jog in a jogging suit and smoke in a smoking jacket, what would you do in a windbreaker?
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If People from Charlotte are called Charlottans, then people from Maine should be called Maininacs, and people from Baltimore must be Baltimorons.
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An Alabama divorce is a lot like a tornado. In either event, someone is probably going to lose a trailer.
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In childhood, you make funny faces in the mirror. When you're 60, the mirror makes funny faces at you.
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There are perks to being over 60. You can have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
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Pain is just nature's way of telling you that you are obsolete.
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This week is special. My wife's age catches up with her IQ.
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I have reached the age when happy hour is a nap.
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If Cher were cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?
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I can't figure out why my husband spends hours looking at Victoria's Secret catalogs, but I never seem to get anything.
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The Generation Gap revisited: When your oldest child picks up an eight-track tape and asks, "What kind of video game is this?"
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This weekend we needed to take our neighbors a pool-warming gift. We took our toddler.
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The irony of retirement: When you get up in the morning, you're already at work
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My friend gave up drinking. He was beginning to see the handwriting on the floor.
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If hummingbirds could drive, would they choose a hummer?
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Another life lesson: Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
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Native Africans who beat on drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
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Don't argue with an idiot. People who are watching may not be able to tell the difference.
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You can tell you're at a Southern zoo because there's a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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Seen in Local newspaper want ads: "Pharmacy technician. Must be willing to work flexible hours. Drug-free workplace."
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I pay $5 for a $10 gift while my wife pays $10 for a $5 gift.
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My friend said he woke up the other day and thought he must be dead because nothing hurt.
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You might be a redneck if you have Christmas lights on your clothesline.
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Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
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Sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I drink some Windex; it keeps me from streaking.
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As a Bottle Blond New Ager, I guess you can call me a frosted blond.
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Would you call a part-time orchestra leader a semiconductor?
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I thought I had childproofed my home, but somehow they are still getting in.
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In Great Britain, the part of the newspaper which lists births, weddings, and deaths is commonly know as the Hatch, Match, and Dispatch section.
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Anticipating going out to dinner, my 6-year-old asked if we could go to Steakback Outhouse.
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I had my annual check-up with my dermatologist. He now calls "age spots" maturity marks.
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Why English is so hard to learn, Part II: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
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My friend is having car problems. His car won't start and his payments won't stop.
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Life Lesson No. 5,622: When a law enforcement officer says to you, "No one goes through mah town that fast," don't respond with, "Sherman did."
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Why English is hard, Part 6. My Polish friend plans to polish his furniture today.
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When things become inexplicable to me, I try to find someone who can explic them.
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The reason grandparents and grandkids usually get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
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Seen on a car wash shop sign: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your dirt back."
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If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular in the world, why isn't it No. 1?
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Why are my brain cells dying as I get older and my fat cells continue to thrive and multiply?
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Politicians are like diapers; they need changed often...for the same reasons.
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At my age I've seen it all, heard it all, and done it all. I just can't remember it all.
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I used to go skinny dipping - now I chunky dunk.
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The key to healthy living in the South is Vitamin G ... grits and gravy!
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With a bowl of pinto beans, an onion and a piece of corn bread, is it red wine or white wine?
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Answer: Two mothers-in laws. Question: What would be a proper punishment for bigamy?
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My Grandmother is 97 years old and doesn't need glasses - she drinks right out of the bottle.
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
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The older I get, the better I was.
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I can't understand why men waste so much time fishing. It's like a jerk on one end waitng for the jerk on the other.
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Men fish in the hope they will land a big mouth that does not nag them to death!
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
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I'm so old I can remember, while in school, pulling out a knife and sharpening a pencil and no one gave it a thought.
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I feel like that old car I used to have - I need new spark plugs, my radiator leaks, my upholstery's worn, and my tail-pipe's rusty.
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I'm retired and have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
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If a man makes a statement and no woman is present, is he still wrong?
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My wife scolded me and asked if I was apathetic or ignorant. I told her I don't know and I don't care.
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Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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I used to think drinking was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.
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An old geezer with a pony-tail is known as Oldy-Locks.
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You know you're a grownup when your father get more toys than you for Christmas.
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My wife doesn't like me when I am drinking. I don't like her when I'm not.
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I tried to get into Mensa but they wouldn't have me, so I started my own group called Densa.
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Vent recipe No. 3: The Redneck Burrito - wrap bologna and a slice of American cheese in a tortilla. Heat in the microwave until you see goo.
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Some have senior moments. I have intellectual interludes.
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Time Fighter sounds good, but I prefer Age Warrior.
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The best vanity plate - A classy blond driving a Mercedes with a plate that said "WAS HIS."
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I like the sign on the Porta Potty rental business: "Because every party needs a pooper!"
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My Dad says he wishes he could release water as easily as the Corps of Engineers.
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My wife and I had words the other day, but I didn't get a chance to use mine.
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You know it's going to be a rotten day when your twin sister forgets your birthday.
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High-rise habitats, no matter how luxurious, remind me of filing cabinets for people.
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Raise your children and spoil your grandchildren or spoil your children and raise your grandchildren.
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Old is when you're napping and everyone's worried you're dead.
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In our household we prefer to refer to leftovers as deja vu food.
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My wife keeps bugging me to go to the gym, but I told her that I am in no shape to exercise.
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You know you are getting old when you can only recognize the first three names under “Celebrity Birthdays.”
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