The following are taken from a column entitled "The Vent",
printed daily by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Life Lesson No. 9715: Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Scientists say that the universe is expanding at an ever-accelerating pace. Is that why my jeans no longer fit?
Why are there so many more horse's rear ends in the world than there are horses?
My father taught me about time travel. He'd say, "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
The Most common element in the universe is stupidity.
Yeah, Americans are rude. You got a problem with that?
You know you are a popular person when they recognize your voice on the Burger King speaker.
April 15 reminder: When you put 'the' and 'IRS' together you get 'theirs'.
I just heard that in response to the recent study saying that it was OK to marry your first cousin, the entire state of West Virginia breathed a sigh of relief and declared a state holiday.
The guy dressing next to me in the gym today said he came in second in the annual Bubba Easter Beer Hunt.
I just realized that I'm surrounded by young smart-alecks and old bores, so I guess that makes me middle-aged.
You Need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
My 5-year-old daughter sitting in the back seat asked me if that policeman gave me a lottery ticket.
The older I get, the farther I had to walk to school.
It's a sad day when you realize you've lived too long for anyone to ever say that you died young.
Life Lesson No 9728: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
Has anyone ever calculated the speed of dark?
A Chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Seniors: Just say no to prescription drugs.
I ran into an old friend the other day and he had aged so much that he didn't even recognize me.
Is a will a dead giveaway?
With Wall Street where it is, I think we all should sharpen our skills at dumpster diving.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took 2 people to carry $100 worth of groceries. Today my 5 year old granddaughter can do it.
Travel is very educational. I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven different languages.
I've kept the same wife all these years because I don't want to have to break in a new mother-in-law.
My car just rolled over 100,000 miles, my wife turned 40 and I don't have a job. My life is a country song.
My 67 year old husband said he is too young to have alzheimer's. He said he has "Halfheimer's."
If you jog in a jogging suit and smoke in a smoking jacket, what would you do in a windbreaker?
If People from Charlotte are called Charlottans, then people from Maine should be called Maininacs, and people from Baltimore must be Baltimorons.
An Alabama divorce is a lot like a tornado. In either event, someone is probably going to lose a trailer.
In childhood, you make funny faces in the mirror. When you're 60, the mirror makes funny faces at you.
There are perks to being over 60. You can have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
Pain is just nature's way of telling you that you are obsolete.
This week is special. My wife's age catches up with her IQ.
I have reached the age when happy hour is a nap.
If Cher were cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?
I can't figure out why my husband spends hours looking at Victoria's Secret catalogs, but I never seem to get anything.
The Generation Gap revisited: When your oldest child picks up an eight-track tape and asks, "What kind of video game is this?"
This weekend we needed to take our neighbors a pool-warming gift. We took our toddler.
The irony of retirement: When you get up in the morning, you're already at work
My friend gave up drinking. He was beginning to see the handwriting on the floor.
If hummingbirds could drive, would they choose a hummer?
Another life lesson: Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Native Africans who beat on drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
Don't argue with an idiot. People who are watching may not be able to tell the difference.
You can tell you're at a Southern zoo because there's a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Seen in Local newspaper want ads: "Pharmacy technician. Must be willing to work flexible hours. Drug-free workplace."
I pay $5 for a $10 gift while my wife pays $10 for a $5 gift.
My friend said he woke up the other day and thought he must be dead because nothing hurt.
You might be a redneck if you have Christmas lights on your clothesline.
Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I drink some Windex; it keeps me from streaking.
As a Bottle Blond New Ager, I guess you can call me a frosted blond.
Would you call a part-time orchestra leader a semiconductor?
I thought I had childproofed my home, but somehow they are still getting in.
In Great Britain, the part of the newspaper which lists births, weddings, and deaths is commonly know as the Hatch, Match, and Dispatch section.
Anticipating going out to dinner, my 6-year-old asked if we could go to Steakback Outhouse.
I had my annual check-up with my dermatologist. He now calls "age spots" maturity marks.
Why English is so hard to learn, Part II: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
My friend is having car problems. His car won't start and his payments won't stop.
Life Lesson No. 5,622: When a law enforcement officer says to you, "No one goes through mah town that fast," don't respond with, "Sherman did."
Why English is hard, Part 6. My Polish friend plans to polish his furniture today.
When things become inexplicable to me, I try to find someone who can explic them.
The reason grandparents and grandkids usually get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Seen on a car wash shop sign: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your dirt back."
If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular in the world, why isn't it No. 1?
Why are my brain cells dying as I get older and my fat cells continue to thrive and multiply?
Politicians are like diapers; they need changed often...for the same reasons.
At my age I've seen it all, heard it all, and done it all.   I just can't remember it all.
I used to go skinny dipping - now I chunky dunk.
The key to healthy living in the South is Vitamin G ... grits and gravy!
With a bowl of pinto beans, an onion and a piece of corn bread, is it red wine or white wine?
Answer: Two mothers-in laws.   Question: What would be a proper punishment for bigamy?
My Grandmother is 97 years old and doesn't need glasses - she drinks right out of the bottle.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
The older I get, the better I was.
I can't understand why men waste so much time fishing.   It's like a jerk on one end waitng for the jerk on the other.
Men fish in the hope they will land a big mouth that does not nag them to death!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.   Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
I'm so old I can remember, while in school, pulling out a knife and sharpening a pencil and no one gave it a thought.
I feel like that old car I used to have - I need new spark plugs, my radiator leaks, my upholstery's worn, and my tail-pipe's rusty.
I'm retired and have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
If a man makes a statement and no woman is present, is he still wrong?
My wife scolded me and asked if I was apathetic or ignorant. I told her I don't know and I don't care.
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I used to think drinking was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.
An old geezer with a pony-tail is known as Oldy-Locks.
You know you're a grownup when your father get more toys than you for Christmas.
My wife doesn't like me when I am drinking.   I don't like her when I'm not.
I tried to get into Mensa but they wouldn't have me, so I started my own group called Densa.
Vent recipe No. 3: The Redneck Burrito - wrap bologna and a slice of American cheese in a tortilla. Heat in the microwave until you see goo.
Some have senior moments. I have intellectual interludes.
Time Fighter sounds good, but I prefer Age Warrior.
The best vanity plate - A classy blond driving a Mercedes with a plate that said "WAS HIS."
I like the sign on the Porta Potty rental business: "Because every party needs a pooper!"
My Dad says he wishes he could release water as easily as the Corps of Engineers.
My wife and I had words the other day, but I didn't get a chance to use mine.
You know it's going to be a rotten day when your twin sister forgets your birthday.
High-rise habitats, no matter how luxurious, remind me of filing cabinets for people.
Raise your children and spoil your grandchildren or spoil your children and raise your grandchildren.
Old is when you're napping and everyone's worried you're dead.
In our household we prefer to refer to leftovers as deja vu food.
My wife keeps bugging me to go to the gym, but I told her that I am in no shape to exercise.
You know you are getting old when you can only recognize the first three names under “Celebrity Birthdays.”

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